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Confessions of a Split Personality

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, I've heard other work-at-home moms talk about the see-saw effect of "having the best of both worlds." Still, I feel alone when I have my fleeting "I wish I still worked outside the home" thoughts. There are occasions when I just can't hear a pleading "Mommy" one more time, no matter how adorable the face is that it's coming out of. Instead, I long for those days when I could drop my children off at day care and retreat to my mound of work for the day, leaving someone else to wipe the poop, drool, food remnants and milk from their bodies. But, again, those are very fleeting and rare moments. 

Usually they are brought on by a week like the one I just had, when, in the feast-or-famine world of self-employment, I experienced the feast. Not normally something I'd complain about, it came on the heels of a long weekend with the family, after which I returned home without a spouse to share childcare duties with. Then ensued a slew of e-mails, phone calls, voice mails and texts regarding meetings, projects and urgent changes to projects that urgently needed to go to the printer yesterday ... urgently. Of course, the week was shortened yet again by another blessed family vacation, which gave me merely three days to cram work in around child rearing, working out and home maintenance, which, needless to say, has suffered as of late. 

I have to admit, though. Once I wound down from my little fit of panic and the overwhelming feeling that I could not possibly get it all done, I realized I could. And I did. Then, we went to the waterpark, floated the river and enjoyed the last toasty days of summer we have left. Heading home today (again, without the hubby), sunburned and exhausted, with two konked out kids in the backseat, I thought how lucky I am that tomorrow I don't have to fight a commute. 

I don't have to rush home, tidy up the house, plunk the kids in bed and wish for more time with them. Instead, I have the benefit of time. And, though I still feel like there is never enough of it, I can always say I'm making the most of what I have. 

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  1. The Wonder BallAugust 16, 2009 at 4:45 PM

    Miranda - you are so not alone in your feelings! I go through this often as a self-employed mama. I am proud of you for having the courage to vocalize it!

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